It's Funny Isn't It?
It's funny how no one should know us better than we should know ourselves but sometimes it feels like we don't know ourselves at all? We know our likes and dislikes, we know our favorite memories, family member or holiday but not who we are. We wonder 'what makes me...me?', we question why we were put on earth, what value we've added to someones life. What is my purpose?
Growing up I was that kid that was friends with everyone, I was always happy, always smiling, you couldn't shut me up. That stuck with me till secondary school until mental health got her hands on me and ripped away at my sweetness, she replaced my ability to remain positive in any situation with negativity and hate. I started to become a much angrier person, I still am. It's something I'm working actually. Mental health caused me to start to hate myself, that my family didn't love me, that I shouldn't be here and also to take all of this out on myself starting with my wrists, then my thighs.
It wasn't until I saw another of my classmates with scars similar to mine that I realised I wasn't the only person these voices were talking to. So I pulled her aside and compared not only scars but stories. Looking back its weird how I could open my mouth and spew 101 reasons why she was amazing, why she deserved to be loved, yet when it came to myself I couldn't even come up with one positive thing because I could think of something just as quickly to counteract that positive.
I've been brought up as a christian by my parents. I attended catholic school for both primary and secondary. I got baptised, I had my communion and confirmation. I went church every sunday. But I never felt a true connection with God and that's probably because I didn't want to let him in. It took three different churches for me to find one I can call home. One that made me realise that I needed God in my life a lot more than I realised. In Hillsong, I've found a home, a family and a renewed faith.
A few weeks ago, for a few weeks back to back I asked people I met in church and told friends at church when they asked how I am/ what I want to do after I graduate next year/ if I wanted to pray over anything, that I needed guidance. For so long I had been torn over whether I should go on to continue with psychology once I graduate or whether I take the photography on full time. I needed guidance, I needed a sign. One morning before service started I prayed with someone that God would make it clear to me what he wants me to do, what he has put me here on earth to do.
Fifteen minutes into praise and worship, it was revealed to me.
I then realised that the reason why it took so long to understand why I was put on earth, what value I bring to peoples life, why I needed to stick around, was because I was asking out of anger. I was mad and seeked answers that would bandage over the hurt. But this time when I prayed and asked I asked because I wanted to live the life that God planned for me.
It then dawned on me that everything I've been through would help me relate to others who have been in similar situations as mine in regards to their mental health. That sweet kid I once was is still in me, under the pain and selfloathing, lays someone who gives, gives and gives love until she can't anymore. Under it all lays someone willing to go the extra mile for someone she loves, for someone she doesn't know. A sensitive soul that wants to change the lives of every person who's path she crosses.
For so long I hated how 'soft' I was, how sensitive I was, how easily I could forgive and forget. But really I should be thanking God for making me a loving person, a person with a big heart, a person who doesn't use your past to judge you. So to put it simply, what I believe my purpose is, is to:
1. Bring awareness to situations on a national scale.
2. Show people there is more than their current situation.
If you asked me years back if I would be in the place I am now mentally, I would have told you no. That I wouldn't be as happy as I am, that I would be able to maintain my friendships and make a whole load more. I have a strong urge to bring peace into peoples lives whether it's through my degree and I go into clinical psychology. Or if I do it with my photography and videography. Which I guess is why I've been getting back into making my film stories as I've had so many people message me to say how happy it's made them, that its brought tears to their eyes or simply made them smile.
So this is me, declaring and speaking into existence that in a few years time I'll be able to come back and tell you guys about the impact I've made on peoples lives.
Things happen in our life for a reason, it may not make sense during the time but over time its reason will reveal itself to you. Life is building you to be a strong and amazing individual, it may be breaking you down at this very moment but I promise there comes a moment when it starts to build you up. With each building block that begins to make you whole comes a smile so rich and so beautiful, it comes with the sweetest of memories and you'll meet some pretty amazing people on that journey, I promise.
Finding yourself and understanding life and why it is the way it is, is....hard but it eventually will make sense. Just give it some time, pray over it and you'll see change.
Until the next post.