My Journey to God
Todd White said something interesting, “For 34 years no one told me that Jesus was real”. Two days ago God gave me a title for this blog post - My Journey To God.
I was on my way home from Church, around 8pm when God spoke to me and said, “But this is the impossible, isn’t it?”
The cross saved me at 14. Now I didn’t proclaim Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior at 14, but the cross saved me at 14, quite literally. I started seeing a white spirit at 16, hearing a voice and trusting it beyond anything I knew. I didn’t call him Holy Spirit, I just knew I could discern his voice and that I trusted every word he said, even though at times it seemed absurd. I had a miraculous deliverance in my bedroom at 19, I saw a battle waging before me of Light and Darkness, and I knew an angel sat before me telling it was going to be all right. That year was when I’d keep seeing these visions of this - what he called “new faith” telling me that there were others that spoke to this white spirit too. He began to tell me about this group of supernatural people how they would meet indoors.
Rewind.. I’m 17. I go on my knees and I tell God, whoever you are, whatever your truth is, I give my life to you fully and completely. Now bear with me, I didn’t know anyone in the World who worshipped like me. I just knew this was my truth. And I knew if it was the last thing I did, I’d find this God, or wouldn’t. I actually believed that me being friends with a white spirit would have to stay a secret for the rest of my life. A part of me didn’t mind it and another part of me grieved. I remember days i’d walk out to the moon, to the sky, to the stars, to anyone who would listen and I’d say “ I wanna go home, I don’t know what home is I just wanna go home”. (The first time I heard the word Zion at 20, I felt a healing and that’s what “home” was). And I would try to convince myself that I was home. Yet in my spirit there was a grieving and a yearning I could not deny, at least not in my own private space. I would see these courts gathered, these meetings in my minds eye, and I would leap for joy saying my bloodline, an ambassador of my home is in that meeting. And then I’d go tell myself, “Katya, you have a wild imagination, calm down”. Yet I couldn’t deny that every time I had a sensation about something, it always came to pass. And when I’d go to bed, how could I deny that I felt someone stand by my side as I slept, this white spirit. Whether I was insane or not I didn’t know. I just knew that this was more real than anything I’ve ever encountered. That compared to this, everything else felt like a montage, a video game, a facade, a lie. Many times I felt I was losing my mind, I would look at the World around me and I would see Sims - yes the game- and I would cry at night telling him I loved him.
I mean, common, from a secular point of view, imagine telling a non believer this, mental asylum straight away. So I kept quiet. But I knew this was real. I couldn’t deny it, at least not to myself. ... Now the in betweens. Did I pray? Yes and no. My prayers consisted of series of weeping and laughing, and ranting to the sky, my roof, my room. And every time I did, I felt a weight lifted. I wrote letters to God. I made wishes on birthday candles.
And I read up everything I could possibly get my hands on about God, the spirit. But all I found was - different religions with different beliefs, none of which aligned with the experiences I was having. I read everything I could on the New Age, Spirituality, and Self Help Books, and lets be honest my emotional maturity grew a lot as a result. But I still didn’t find my answer on who this God, this Spirit is. I read on New Age, Islam, Buddhism, Christianity, Ancient Religions, Nature Religions, The Occult, Wicca, Conspiracy Theories about aliens and the like, Ancient Civilizations such as Egypt, Mesopotamia, Greece and their various literature on Pagan Gods, Plato, Aristotle and the like. Yet I was still convinced that this God I worshipped in my room, this real experience I had - I hadn’t met or heard anyone speak of. I had friends practicing Wicca, Tarot Card Readings, Ouija Boards, but all of it seemed childish. I got into Astrology, Numerology and Past Life philosophies for a while, but even that wasn’t the truth. I remember telling my best friend who was trying to convince me of Darwin’s theory of existence. I told him, “Love, I can believe and entertain the possibility of anything, but soon enough I get bored, all of them have some truth, some spirit thing to them. But, I feel like they’re all missing the point by a landslide, but I just don’t know what it is they’re missing. When I find it I’ll let you know”.
In 2018, this same voice, this same presence, told me to follow a young man in uni. And He told me that whatever he tells you is true. I’ve had the desire to read the Bible for years, I just never got to it. I remember thinking I want to learn it from the inside, from Christians, not the theological stuff. There’s something missing. I want the natives of this faith to tell me what it’s about. I don’t know where this desire came from. But I knew I had it. So when I came to uni and I saw that there were several societies that studied the Bible and some even worshipped with singing, it sounded like a fairytale in my head. Don’t even ask why, it was just the sensation I had. So when I went home that night, I cried on my knees, I told him, I don’t want things to go wrong this time, please guide me and show me the people I can trust, put people in my life who can steep my spirit please, and he showed me the image of two men from uni in my vision. One of them was this boy from a campus fellowship and the other was a boy on my course. Both were rooted Christians.
So I obeyed, whatever this vision meant, I was going to find out what these two boys were about. So I made a way to be in their presence. And soon enough, I knew they believed what I believed. I just never had the words for it. I never heard someone articulate so beautifully what I always failed to comprehend. In this fellowship they spoke of someone called the Holy Spirit, and my heart leaped, that’s his name, wow, The Holy Spirit, what a beautiful name, that makes so much sense. Then they spoke of this thing called the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and it was like all of these things I was going through were making so much sense, I was gaining so much clarity. And as I went home and began to read on this Holy Spirit. I began to fall even more in love with him than I already was. It’s like being in love with someone for years, and then finding out about their heritage and coming with them to visit their family where they grew up and suddenly this someone who you knew in private had this whole other life and this whole other identity, community and beauty. You couldn’t help but fall more in love. I remember the first day in campus fellowship, they sang this song, Holy Spirit You Are Welcome Here and as they sang this same white spirit entered the room through the door, but this time he felt different. He wasn’t just this gentle comforter and friend. He was this enchanting, majestic spirit that entered the room boldly, held himself as King as he entered through the room, the authority in him was so different, I hadn’t seen this side of him before, he walked in majestically and sat down as my friend began to preach.
I knew this God was powerful, I’ve seen miracles happen in my own life. Huge, majestic miracles. But this was a whole new level of encounter.
Now, in case you guys were wondering, of course I gave my life to Christ, I’m a full Gospel, born again, tongue speaking, baptized, believer.
Ever since I gave my life to Christ, I think the biggest testimony is that ever since I learned about my identity in Christ I gained victory over the enemy. Satan is under my feet. And I walk boldly and victorious. The Bible says my people perish from a lack of knowledge, and he’s not speaking about natural knowledge, I had surpassing amounts of that, and he’s not just talking about revelation, discernment and gifting, but true supernatural knowledge of your identity in Christ. Of the word, the living word, who is Jesus, the word in flesh. You see, my revelation, and discernment had brought me through a lot, it kept from committing to all these other philosophies and beliefs on life, it kept me from committing to a lie, because something inside me kept saying this isn’t the truth, or this isn’t the full story you’re getting. But it didn’t keep me from getting attacks from the enemy, especially at 17, when I gave my life by faith (telling God whoever you are I give my life to you) and thought things were going to go well. It didn’t keep me from not falling into temptation when I thought I was the only person experiencing what I did, it didn’t keep me from not suppressing my truth. Because I suppressed my truth to fit in. I denied my divine to fit into the secular. But because I was already open to the supernatural, I began to experience things I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Because I didn’t know my identity in Christ, or anyone else who could help, I began to experience the deepest fear I have ever experienced in my life. Because my fear wasn’t in the natural, in the natural I was quite rebellious actually as a teenager, I feared nothing, I began to experience fear in the supernatural which was even scarier. Because now I couldn’t share it with anyone. I really understood the meaning behind Ephesians 6, we wrestle not against flesh and blood.
As I opened the door to sin, I began to see these manifestations of dark spirits, dreams that turned into nightmares, I’d see myself falling into an abyss when I closed my eyes. I’d see these dark spirits laughing at me. It was Hell and torment. I believe the enemy gave it his best shot to keep me from finding out my identity. And he almost won, but thank God for Jehovah. But thank God I knew that I’d experienced something Holy before, and that mustard seed of a faith, literally all I had. Was what kept me going. I’d go to the mountain and cry, I’d write letters to this someone that I loved, and I spoke to the wind, and somehow it spoke back. I felt depression, pain, a hardness of heart, all these things, I can’t begin to explain the depths of that pain. Yet somehow, somewhere, deep down, I held on to that promise, these visions of my future that I had seen, that I heard this spirit speak before, I held on to them with the life of me, I called hope an epidemic. I wrote a poem called hope being an epidemic because this hope, this faith I had brought me so much pain - the thought that light could exist hurt me, because now I felt like it had abandoned me and I couldn’t understand why. I was mad at God for leaving me, but even more mad at him for not being there to hold me the way I wanted him to. I couldn’t explain how someone could feel this way about God, as though he was so real. Most people I knew thought of God as religion, but to me it was a whole different sensation.
It’s funny because even in that year, there were Mormon missionaries whom I got so intrigued with that I wanted to go out with them, and my closest friend, I mean other than my roommates and friends I went out with, was a Christian. When I say closest, I mean I really enjoyed her company. (I’m telling you)
Anyway, but thank God for Jehovah. Because that year, he introduced me to two Russian boys, who purged me with love right into health. I felt like I could breathe again because of their friendship. And it’s not that I didn’t have other friends, but this was different, these felt divine. Like ordained from God or something. Within a month, I left uni, and that’s when one night on New Years Eve there was a divine intervention in my room in the middle of the night. It woke me up in the middle of the night, and right there and then, in my bedroom, in my room, I began to receive deliverance, (mind you, I wouldn’t have called it deliverance at the time) but I started shaking and shivering right there and then in my bedroom. It felt like every bone in my body turned to ice. I saw a war waging in front of me in the spirit. I felt like all the highest forces of darkness and light were in my bedroom and I felt like the war was for my life, for my soul, for my destiny. And I felt like light won. I knew light won. As an angel sat beside on the floor and told me everything was going to be all right. I cried, I shook, for days I didn’t eat, I went on an unconscious fast, an intuitive fast, and as I dropped to the floor, my only prayer was to make it through, but it felt as though the hardest part was over. Like I just went through war and came out the other side. But now it was time for the recovery process.
We all say veterans are soldiers and warriors and heroes fighting for their land, but we don’t acknowledge all the post traumatic stress, the PTSD a soldier has to recover from. As I came back, and thank Jesus, that somehow, by the supernatural mercy and intervention of God, I took a gap semester, which again, supernaturally, turned into a gap year.
It’s like finally he took the reigns, my life, back into his hands. For months, I felt I was healed, but memories, dark shots, images from the past would haunt me. So I had to go through massive healing. How did I heal? well, lots of time at home, and I had a family friend who did gateway healing, she came in again, very supernaturally, unplanned, spontaneously. And somehow there I was, her doing a “healing” on me, she pulled something out of me. And that the first time I saw my church in my room. The church I attend today, I saw it fill the room, I didn’t know who all these beings were, were they ancestors? (it felt like a “no” in my heart) were they angels? I don’t know. But they were rejoicing. It felt like my whole room was filled with them. It felt like a tribe - that was the closest thing I could relate to. There were young ones, older ones. I don’t know. It wasn’t until more than a year later, - God showed me what that meant.
Anyway, this same family friend said, I hear your assignment is to take people out of darkness into light. That’s all I keep hearing. That that’s what the Universe has in store for you. That’s your assignment. And they won’t let you go until you fulfill it. Who’s they? What Universe? Man. So many questions. Of course, she wasn’t born again. But even the Bible says that -it’s not only born again believers that can see things in the spirit. Now whatever, she practiced, more towards New Age, even that, I knew it wasn’t my path. But what was my path? I didn’t know. I just knew somewhere, somehow, I’d find out. And to be honest, most days I just wanted to be human, I’d try to ignore or deny the experiences I was having. After that, I wrote a book, and I wrote every pain and shame I could think of. I didn’t sleep for weeks, I slept for about an hour a day, I just cried and wrote, and felt the pain. The heaviness I had felt before my deliverance had been that of a 30 year old. If not more, it felt like the weight and burdens of the world were on me, like an old woman in a young body. But after this deliverance, and after writing all my pain into a book. I suddenly felt like a baby.
I felt like a blank page. All I saw was white when I called at myself in the spirit. I saw no past. Like I was wiped clean. Like I had a new. Chance to create anything I wanted. To be anyone I wanted to be. But who did I want to be? Now first things first.i had to learn what it meant to live again. Because suddenly, everything looked different, everyone felt different. I felt like I had to learn how to talk to people all over again, as if I didn’t know. Like this being in me, this body, never experienced it before . Everything felt new. And I felt like my eyes, they .. every time I went in public, they began to hurt, so I would wear sunglasses in public, and I could only be in public for a few hours at a time. Like a baby, literally. Like a baby that you have to be so careful with. I felt. Like a sponge, like I would absorb everything around me instantly, my soul was learning, adapting. Everything intensified. I remember sitting in my room at telling God, or whoever would listen, “if I have to be a public figure one day how am I going to do it if I can only do a few hours a day outside before needing to rush back into my cocoon? “ Like a caterpillar. I’m birthing you. I’d hear. The first 7 years of a child’s life are said to be the most significant, that everything they experience would go into their subconscious and that’s what I felt I was like. Like everything I did would be magnified until I matured into an adult. Which didn’t even make sense in the physical but somehow in my heart it made perfect sense. I started telling everyone I’m born again, I didn’t even know what it meant in the scriptural sense, I just knew that that’s what I was experiencing.
Now, remember how in part 1 I told you I got saved at 14? Well here’s the backstory to that.. So when I was 14, I began to ask questions about God. I don’t really know how it happened. I just know that it did. And suddenly I was so attracted to the cross. I didn’t get a loud voice speaking to me or a loud wind blowing. I just thought the cross was the most attractive thing. That summer we went to Russia and for some reason I started wearing a cross. It was huge and thick, right across my whole chest. Several chains and a cross. That summer, it was in all my pictures. When I came back from the summer. I experienced a white wind rush/breathe through my classroom on the second week of school. I felt like I didn’t belong in that class, I can’t explain it, but suddenly everything and everyone felt alien to me, even the friends I had for years. Within 3 days I changed schools. I don’t know how, to this day. My brother’s friend’s mum recommended a school, we went on a tour, we signed up, paperwork somehow in both schools got accepted. I’m telling you it was God. My Parents..? My friendships? But somehow, we changed. And within the course of a few months my whole destiny was changed. I began to read books, and so much more. ... All that I am today started there. And the day I got baptized I felt like a finished work was done in me that started on that day when I was 14. I felt it in my spirit. And a new chapter of a new empowered identity in the fulness of Christ had began. Todd White said for 34 years no one told him that Jesus was real. So I figured I don’t want to be that person that doesn’t tell you, Jesus is real. Everything he did in my life, is real.
I mentioned how a specific vision of my future kept me going. When I was 16, I saw a vision of me, I saw the hair color, the length, I was in an English speaking country, and I felt different in that vision. There was something that I knew. This vision came to pass - that hair color & length, that behavior was what I had when I first spoke in tongues at 21 (5 years later). Can you imagine ? This 4
God, this vision I held on to, could it be that all along he had this in mind? That from the beginning he knew, I fought for this with my life, and sometimes it wasn’t easy staying in alignment to what resonated in the spirit. Sometimes it was hard. Leaving uni was hard. Moving was hard. Letting go of all my friendships at 14 was hard. Coming to London was hard. But imagining a life where I didn’t obey despite all odds, was even harder. Not following in line with what I was hearing was harder. But many today, don’t follow that voice they hear so they don’t get to experience the fulness of what the spirit of God has in store for them. So if my story inspires anything at all, may it inspire obedience to that voice, of the Holy Spirit, to that inner alignment and confirmation where your spirit may testify from within you about a certain thing being true or not. Had I not obeyed and crucified my flesh in certain seasons of my life, I would not have been here today. But trust me, despite what you may think, staying in the flesh is much harder than surrendering to the spirit.
I used to tell my little sister, I don’t know much, but I know this white spirit, whatever he says, trust him. For he doesn’t lie. Whatever he says, is the truth, listen, obey, that’s the one thing I can guarantee.
My deepest prayer is that the body of Christ grows into full surrender in every decision, taking God’s council on everything. Because that’s the one thing that will change the course of your life and give you that peace that surpasses all understanding. This is the army and the supernatural group of spirits (where I couldn't differentiate whether they were human or not) that God showed me about, arise, I beg of you, arise. In Jesus name.