Keeping Myself Happy
The last month or so has been hard. Keeping myself happy was hard.
I’ve never had so many people come up to me and say, ‘are you okay?’ or ‘smile, you look sad’. They knew that I was lying behind the fake smiles and forced laughs. All I pretty much wanted to do was cry. Cry my heart away. Silently. So that no one could hear me. No one could feel my pain because they didn’t get where I was coming from. I found it hard to be happy. And thought it would take a long time to feel genuinely happy again.
We get so lost in our thoughts. Reflecting on how we treat one another and how we treat ourselves. I know I started to feel as if the world didn’t want me there and that it owed me something. I know that every time I tried to talk to people about how I feel, they wouldn’t understand or would give me their opinion. They wouldn’t empathise with how I feel or suggest what to do. I felt a sense of loneliness, as no one understood therefore no one cared. However, this is how I was at the start of my spiral. Self-pity is one of the ways which can ultimately get anyone down, leading into a spiral of sadness, emotional and mental pain.
Someone told me that I am better than feeling sorry for myself. I should start thinking about how great the future can be and stop thinking about how sucky the now is. I realised that they were right. So, I started to do things that would make me feel happier. Even though the initial plans I made for my 21st birthday fell through, I made better and new plans. I started to look forward to working with a new team at placement, thinking about the opportunity that I will get to meet extraordinary people, knowing I wouldn’t have the chance to if I were completing my final year at university. I had someone listen about what I am working on myself, which helped as it felt like I was just talking to myself. I started to take baby steps into self-care and self-love. Pampering myself with a hot bubble bath while watching some Netflix or just listening to happy music if I was feeling down.
I am still taking those baby steps. I am still learning about who I am, a little at a time. I am starting to look out for myself, and even though people might not understand what I am going though, I have come to the realisation that if people truly care about you, they would be there for you no matter if they don’t get how you feel. Having a support system around you is the best thing anyone can have. Do not take it for granted. But do not forget that your number one support system is yourself. If you start to spiral, pick yourself up. If you start to feel unhappy, know what makes you happy and do it.
Everybody has dark days. I know I have had a lot of them in the past month. But know that there are people who love and care about you. Know that by spiralling, you are not helping yourself in any way but bad. Know who your close people are. They are the ones you can turn to when things turn sour. Be dependent on yourself. But don’t forget that someone will help you pick up the pieces if you fall.