It has been a while.
Did you miss me?
I call this piece Awaken.
It is like after a whole decade, I have been awakened from a deep sleep. I have felt over these past months more down than I have ever felt in my entire life. I could not put my finger on the root of my problems. The struggle has been real. I have had no will power to get up nor do anything. My energy had been taken. My breath had been stolen. My will to live disappeared before my eyes. Now I can relate to when people say “this is rock bottom”.
Normally I am the type to dismiss this delusional paradigm known as “depression” until it happened to me. I have now realised the meaning of what life really is. I have been lost in the darkness to the point that I could not find my way out. I swam to the surface multiple times for someone or anything to save me but no one came to my rescue. Countless nights I had spent crying my eyes to sleep. My heart was literally breaking that I could not find the ability to pick up the broken pieces. I am supposed to be a woman of great strength. Someone who never lets anything or anyone get her down. I tried and tried but I could not find a reason to live nor fight. My purpose, my drive, my determination, my fight was now a distant memory. I had so much to give but nothing in me. The fire that once blazed in my eyes vanished before mankind. I saw no point to keep going. I was tired! Fed Up! Everything was going from bad to worse. It is like one day everything will be okay then all of a sudden I will be in a worse place than I was before.
I sat there thinking is this really my life! Is this really the person that you are supposed to be? How can it be? Where did I lose it? How did I miss it?
For the life of me, I could not put my finger on how things got this bad. That is what happens in life. One day you stop doing something then eventually months go by and you cannot get out of bed. To shower is even a distant fantasy. No drive! No motivation! From Netflix to Nollywood! Pretty Little Liars to Chasing Life! Empire to Power! Scandals to Getting away with Murder!
No purpose! No aims! Dreams now out of reach!
I decided today that I can continue in my self pity or I can get up and do something about my life. For how long must I go on like this? Something has got to change!
I am taking back control of my life! I refuse to be what everyone thinks I will be! I am made for a purpose! I got up! Angry with my predicament! This season does not determine who I am going to be! I am made for so much more. I am going to fight until I can’t go on no more. I am not a quitter! I am going to push myself! I cannot just be a mere statistic of the black british adolescents.
Depression is no longer my lord. I have to arise out of the doubt! I have been through hell and back to give up on something as cheap as this. With my broken heart, I will pick up the pieces and do that which I am supposed to do.
Baby today I tell you not to give up. There is sunshine after the storms. Life does actually have meaning. You cannot continue to feed your wounds with pain. No progress means no success. You are where you are in life because of the way you think.
Until you think differently, you will be stuck.
(2 Corinthians 10 vs 3-5; Psalm 1)
It all starts with do you want to get out of the pit?
Are you fed up of drinking yourself to sleep?
You have to have the desire to what to change!
Now take charge of your mind! Your mindset has got to change to move forward.
The One Thing I Love About Life is That No Pain Lasts Forever!